[Important: This one is largely image-based, and apparently if you use Gmail they’ll only send you half of it because the file size exceeds their limits. You can read the whole thing on the Substack site HERE, but it’s good to know that a struggling independent start-up like Google is doing the smart thing and not using too much of their probably-very-limited server space. Very tight budget, over at Google. They’re probably running short on floppy disks until payday.]
As I’ve written before, I have ADHD, which means I’m uniquely susceptible to pop-up ads.
Sure, I have an ad blocker, which helps, but I still find myself occasionally clicking on those bullshit “stories” you see at the bottom of cheap websites. I don’t know why - I’m sure I probably WILL believe what an actress from the 80s looks like now - but sometimes my brain gets away from me a little bit and I click them without thinking and before I know it the morning is gone.
Which is what happened yesterday when I saw an ad for a Rorschach ink blot test.
I’ve never been crazy enough to have to take one, but I figured that might be interesting, right? Surely, I need to click that one? Guys? Just this one ad? Anyone?!
Fuck it, we all know I clicked it. Here are my reactions:
1.
Well, shit, this looks like some sort of scary mask. Hope that’s not a sign of anything. Oh, this is multiple choice. Okay:
Mask. Nailed it. Not crazy at all.
2.
If I’m honest this looks to me like a plane dropping a shitload of explosives on somewhere. This… could honestly be a picture of a war crime.
Alright, I guess “Spaceship” is the nearest option to what I saw, but “two clowns” and “a screaming face” are both concerning as guesses.
3.
The glaring face of a giant grasshopper as it prepares to devour me, which isn't an option so maybe frog?
I put frog. Although looking at it again, I can also see two pre-op trans women doing kettlebell swings with erections whilst facing each other. So I think I’m definitely going to click “frog.”
4.
It looks like a mammoth or a wild boar or something with tusks looking at you head on. At least to me, the person who definitely didn’t see trans women working out in a picture of a frog.
Alright, “Blob Monster,” but if that’s a valid answer here then I don’t see how it’s not a valid answer for basically all of them. I’m beginning to doubt the psychiatric qualifications of whichever clickbait website threw this together.
5.
Obviously a moth, no problems there.
They’re all “just a blob of ink,” test. Jesus. Also I’m really working at it but I don’t know who got “Flamenco Dancer Bending Backwards.”
6.
It’s… it’s “genitalia,” right?! Literally can’t see anything else knowing that’s an option. I mean it’s definitely not an owl. …Fuck you, YOU’RE crazy.
7.
Two women talking. Yeah, that seems right. They’re pressing their bellies together, Sumo-style, which is a little weird but at least it’s not a big picture of someone’s labia again.
8.
This is actually two chameleons climbing the outside of a plant, for me, but okay, "two lions climbing a mountain." As though a lion can climb vertically like that and mountains are wider at the top. Maybe I'm not the one who should be taking this test, assholes.
9.
That's a dragon right before it immolates you. I'm not picking "two dragons," that's very clearly only one dragon. I mean, what am I, nuts?! I'll go with "don't get it" as a protest.
10.
Look, it's probably not a good sign that my brain is saying "weird spider creatures closing in from the sides," but I'm distracted from the main image by the weird blue spider creatures closing in from the sides. Are we just ignoring those?! We are? Okay, fine, two caterpillars it is.
Alright, that’s ten quest- oh, shit, there are more?!
11.
Two faces, mostly. I would also accept candle holder, but usually I see that as two faces, and why are there more than ten fucking questions?!
12.
"A drawing that thinks it's clever." Why is this quiz encouraging me to be passive aggressive, now?! Anyway, it's a rabbit. The duck thing is more obvious when the picture isn’t this badly cropped by whoever threw it on the website.
13.
A woman making out with like, a shadowy guy in a hood. This is both "embracing" and "attacking." I went with the nicer option but you can’t tell me this isn’t at least a little bit sinister.
14.
Panda. Easy.
…Wait, panda’s not an option?
It doesn't look like any of these other fuckin’... Fine. Alright, fine, flowers, why not.
15.
This is very clearly an eye, but if anyone you know says “three screaming heads,” be aware that they probably have at least two severed heads in the footwell of their car right this minute.
16.
I initially thought this looked like Jason from Friday 13th, but that sounded crazy. Also, on second look, it's more like the Predator. So, Predat-oh shit, Jason is an option, okay. Apparently, fictional serial killers are allowed, but a panda would have been too weird.
17.
This actually looks more like a genie coming out of a lamp to me, but I guess Angel is the nearest.
18.
Okay, I clicked the wrong one on that last one and there was no way to change it, but I didn't actually think dagger, okay? I said it at the time, genie/angel. Not dagger. This one looks like people dancing, I think. Dancing and dancing, dancing before I kill them with my dagger. I mean genie! Fuck...
19.
Cheerleaders makes the most sense to me here. If this quiz doesn't end at twenty questions I really am going to go nuts.
20.
I went with "two faces" because the "crab" answer would lead me to a rant about carcinisation theory.1
21.
This test kept going and I’d lost all interest (see: ADHD, above) so from here on out I just clicked “A” for everything. After another ten questions, I was told that my results implied I was “a realist” and had trouble thinking outside the box.
Which is a little silly when there are only a set number of options for each answer and none of them included “panda,” “attacking spider monsters,” “man eating grasshopper” or “two priapic trans ladies lifting weights.”
Still, it’s good to know I have a clean bill of mental health and that there’s no signs of anything weird in my dagger.
…I mean “brain.”
(…I mean “dagger.”)
Briefly, Carcinisation theory came about when evolutionary biologists noticed that on at least nine separate occasions throughout history, things have evolved into crabs. This would imply that the crab is the final design for everything. Given enough time, everything will become crabs.